trying not to worry

I think we migraineurs may have something in common: worry.

Worry about Is this migraine going to last for the rest of my life? (okay, maybe not that bad, but still, sometimes the pain makes me go for the drama.)

Worry about I have an important day on Saturday (or fill in the blank for some major life event, holiday, vacation--heaven forbid you have migraines on vacation!). I hope I don't get a migraine. That would ruin the day.

Worry about treatment. If the next latest and greatest treatment is going to work or not. Or if it does, what are the side effects?

Worry about how your headaches get in the way of living your life. The demands of a breadwinner, missing work. The demands of a mother (or father), missing out on the joys that parenthood can and does bring; but if you are on your bed, or even just in a bad mood trying to cope with the pain, you miss out.

Worry even about how people perceive you. I hate this one. We should not worry about how people think of us. But there it is, I do. I don't even like people knowing I have a headache. I don't like their pity-I feel that it weakens me somehow. Don't tell me how bad my life is--I am trying to look at my life as a positive one. You are only reminding me that perhaps I should be in bed, when in all actuality, I have to make dinner, bathe the children, do laundry and help with homework. I can't stop!

So life with migraines can be full of worry. And worrying really doesn't do anybody any good. It isn't productive in any shape or form. And for me, it makes me wrinkle up my left eyebrow--and that, my fellow friends-in-pain, is starting to form a permanent line!

You'll have to forgive me: I'm in full swing of being in my thirties and becoming all too aware of my imminent aging process. The other night I asked my husband if he thought it would be crazy if, someday, I had botox injections on my face. He thought I was a bit ridiculous, I think, and suggested that I age gracefully, accepting the lines. Perhaps he doesn't know just how vain I am?

So to my worry, right now:

I haven't had a horrible time with migraines in over a year. (No--I'm not worried about that; trust me, I'm getting to it.) I had a big migraine one week after my miscarriage this spring. I treated it with prednisone on day three and over time, it went away. Since then I only had one migraine on the second day of my period. Easy, right? One migraine a month is cake with delicious frosting. It is so easy to deal with.

My period started last week on Sunday evening. On Tuesday, day two, like clockwork my period was heavier and I had a migraine. I expected that. I didn't expect to have a migraine every day after that. So on Friday I figured it would go away when my period went away; that used to be very normal for me, when my migraines slowed down to just half the month or less. It ended on Saturday. I had a headache that night, but only for a few hours, and it wasn't that bad. Then on Sunday I had head pain, but again, wasn't too bad. Monday: headache. This morning (Tuesday): headache. NOT GOOD! This head pain/migraine (I hate calling them that for some reason, like I am admitting to defeat...) isn't going away.

So I saw a doctor today. Not a neurologist (I moved and haven't had bad enough migraines to necessitate a neurologist--if this persists, I will get back on the neurology wagon), but my OB/GYN. Great doctor. Smart. I trust him. He gave me my prednisone taper and I have started it.

I know that the taper will work. It has never failed me. I don't worry about this migraine.

But I do worry about the next. How close will it be? Am I going to start slowly getting worse, like I used to be? It brings me to horrible self-pitying tears to think that I have to go back there. To that life where everything is about my pain. My head. My nausea. My dizzy spells. My fatigue. My medication refills. My worry. And most horrible: my worrying and the depression it brings on.

I have started running. That helps with my normal worries and I hope it will help with my migraine-worries. I am hoping it helps with the irritability I feel when using prednisone. A good run always seems to clear my mind and relax me.

I just have to have faith in my abilities to be proactive about the pain, not letting it control me, but taking control of it and killing it when it lasts more than three days.

To the void out there, maybe reading this because you are searching desperately on the Internet for answers to your pain and your worries: I hope you find what you need to eliminate the pain, or at least cope well with it.

And...uh...try not to worry...