mini headpain, auras and coping

It happened last night. I was getting the laundry ready for the machine and all of a sudden, pain on the right side of my head, about three inches wide. No warning.

The one thing auras have going for them is that they are fair warning. They're not always fun warning: who likes to be partially blind, partially numb, or having vertigo so severe it brings on vomiting? Those are the only auras I've ever experienced; I'm sure there are others.

All auras I've had are uncomfortable and even frightening, but auras give warning. They are concrete warning and a shout out for me to evaluate the day, determine if I should take the abortive drug, get that drug and take it as soon as possible. The reason for evaluating the day is because sometimes I have several headaches a week, but with only two allowed doses of the abortive drug a week. So if I don't have a commitment one day, and think I can deal with the pain okay, but I do have something critical the next day, and there is a chance of having another headache...well, I go with pain for that day. (This lifestyle has been much less frequent lately, but use to be the norm for well over a year.) But usually, the aura is not as bad as the headache, and if I take the drug right away, sometimes I can completely avoid any other pain. Sometimes I have to add other drugs to the mix to be comfortable. But the aura, for it's sometimes bum wrap, is not all that bad.

So last night I had one of those, what I call, "spot headaches." I still don't know if there's a name for it or not. But they come on without any warning, and leave just as quickly. They force me to stop and sit down. I've learned to close my eyes and take slow, deep breaths. I'm not as scared of them anymore. The breathing helps me to relax through it all. (Not that I am willing to try this for childbirth yet--I like those epidural blocks!) The gift I've been given is the ability to quickly relax, even though for a few seconds I panic a bit.

Fear is probably the feeling that trumps all other feelings when I have these headaches, be them "spot headaches" or full blown migraines.

Fear of not knowing how bad the pain is going to get.
Fear of not knowing how long this headache is going to last.
Fear of not knowing if I'm headed for a long cycle (weeks and weeks) of headaches, like before.
A tiny fear that these aren't migraines...though this is not as often: just when I'm being dramatic!

When I'm not having a headache, I often live in fear of getting one. Of being in public, or in the car driving, or at my daughter's school, and getting that hellish vertigo. In my mind, I've taken myself to those situations to deal with the anxiety. I logic myself through the hypothetical anxiety, realizing that people aren't going to judge me for getting sick. Everybody gets sick at one point or another. Though not pleasant to see somebody turn green, crawl on the floor or bump into walls, cling to those walls, or fall, sweat profusely and then hit the climax of the situation with vomit...well, it's not the end of the world. Vomit can be cleaned up, faces can be wiped dry, and as long as I have my purse, drugs can be administered. But still, it would be very humiliating. (I've only had that situation twice in front of people other than my family, and it wasn't the end of the world...just not ideal.)

So pushing past that fear... I just have to breathe. And try not to dwell in hypothetical situations. They aren't reality. At least, not yet. I'm so tired of fear. I'm working on pushing past that and trying to live not in the past, and not in fear of the future. Just to breathe and get through where I'm at, in the moment.

Another feeling I have is resentment. The "why me?" syndrome hits me, and if I don't watch it, it spirals into a small depression. I don't like to go there. I don't like others giving me pity just for the fact that it feeds into this "why me?" syndrome. It isn't a good place to go. There is no hope. I need hope. I need faith. So I pass over this thought quickly and deal with what I can do to help either change the situation (with drugs) or help buffer it (with quiet, calm, maybe even a movie if I can handle that). I also try to be analytical of my migraines through problem solving and communication. Not to say I don't cave, get overwhelmed, get emotional. I still do, I just try not to cater to this feeling.

And then there is the pain. How can I deal with the pain, get my job done, be nice to my husband and children and take care of myself at the same time? That is my biggest question. Often it is the "being nice" factor that goes out the door when pain steps in. I have a hard time being pleasant while in pain. I have this need to be cheerful, or at least courteous, and feel like a failure when I can't. And laying on the couch or in bed when life is happening around me...well I feel trapped. It's that control freak in me, screaming at the situation, screaming at myself for getting this headache in the first place. Yes, I know: ridiculous. I can't control getting a headache or not...but it doesn't stop me from wishing I could, or worse: thinking I can and that I should! Ha! Silly perfectionist.

And I know that it is silly expecting somebody in pain to be courteous. But truly, when the pain is common and gets to being chronic, one should try to learn to deal with the pain and be nice. It's just hard to do, is all. But attempts are appreciated, I'm sure, by my family, when I do try. And for me, this trying makes me feel human.