trying not to worry

I think we migraineurs may have something in common: worry.

Worry about Is this migraine going to last for the rest of my life? (okay, maybe not that bad, but still, sometimes the pain makes me go for the drama.)

Worry about I have an important day on Saturday (or fill in the blank for some major life event, holiday, vacation--heaven forbid you have migraines on vacation!). I hope I don't get a migraine. That would ruin the day.

Worry about treatment. If the next latest and greatest treatment is going to work or not. Or if it does, what are the side effects?

Worry about how your headaches get in the way of living your life. The demands of a breadwinner, missing work. The demands of a mother (or father), missing out on the joys that parenthood can and does bring; but if you are on your bed, or even just in a bad mood trying to cope with the pain, you miss out.

Worry even about how people perceive you. I hate this one. We should not worry about how people think of us. But there it is, I do. I don't even like people knowing I have a headache. I don't like their pity-I feel that it weakens me somehow. Don't tell me how bad my life is--I am trying to look at my life as a positive one. You are only reminding me that perhaps I should be in bed, when in all actuality, I have to make dinner, bathe the children, do laundry and help with homework. I can't stop!

So life with migraines can be full of worry. And worrying really doesn't do anybody any good. It isn't productive in any shape or form. And for me, it makes me wrinkle up my left eyebrow--and that, my fellow friends-in-pain, is starting to form a permanent line!

You'll have to forgive me: I'm in full swing of being in my thirties and becoming all too aware of my imminent aging process. The other night I asked my husband if he thought it would be crazy if, someday, I had botox injections on my face. He thought I was a bit ridiculous, I think, and suggested that I age gracefully, accepting the lines. Perhaps he doesn't know just how vain I am?

So to my worry, right now:

I haven't had a horrible time with migraines in over a year. (No--I'm not worried about that; trust me, I'm getting to it.) I had a big migraine one week after my miscarriage this spring. I treated it with prednisone on day three and over time, it went away. Since then I only had one migraine on the second day of my period. Easy, right? One migraine a month is cake with delicious frosting. It is so easy to deal with.

My period started last week on Sunday evening. On Tuesday, day two, like clockwork my period was heavier and I had a migraine. I expected that. I didn't expect to have a migraine every day after that. So on Friday I figured it would go away when my period went away; that used to be very normal for me, when my migraines slowed down to just half the month or less. It ended on Saturday. I had a headache that night, but only for a few hours, and it wasn't that bad. Then on Sunday I had head pain, but again, wasn't too bad. Monday: headache. This morning (Tuesday): headache. NOT GOOD! This head pain/migraine (I hate calling them that for some reason, like I am admitting to defeat...) isn't going away.

So I saw a doctor today. Not a neurologist (I moved and haven't had bad enough migraines to necessitate a neurologist--if this persists, I will get back on the neurology wagon), but my OB/GYN. Great doctor. Smart. I trust him. He gave me my prednisone taper and I have started it.

I know that the taper will work. It has never failed me. I don't worry about this migraine.

But I do worry about the next. How close will it be? Am I going to start slowly getting worse, like I used to be? It brings me to horrible self-pitying tears to think that I have to go back there. To that life where everything is about my pain. My head. My nausea. My dizzy spells. My fatigue. My medication refills. My worry. And most horrible: my worrying and the depression it brings on.

I have started running. That helps with my normal worries and I hope it will help with my migraine-worries. I am hoping it helps with the irritability I feel when using prednisone. A good run always seems to clear my mind and relax me.

I just have to have faith in my abilities to be proactive about the pain, not letting it control me, but taking control of it and killing it when it lasts more than three days.

To the void out there, maybe reading this because you are searching desperately on the Internet for answers to your pain and your worries: I hope you find what you need to eliminate the pain, or at least cope well with it.

And...uh...try not to worry...

A Migraine

I suppose I should mention (since I never write on this blog anymore since my migraines haven't been much in my life --I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging, I promise!) that I had a migraine.

When I became pregnant early this spring I had a few migraines--though they were nothing, really; but they were more than usual. When I moved to a different state, quitting a job that was very stressful and going to no job, my headaches went away except for just a few a month. So for me, just a few a month is nothing. Even once a week is like nothing, really.

But anyway! Back to the pregnancy: just a few headaches.

Then I had a miscarriage. I was just short of eight weeks when I miscarried the baby. After delivering the baby and placenta on my own (no need for a D&C, I was so grateful!), I bled for just one week.

The day after I stopped the bleeding was a Sunday. It was also Day 1 of a serious migraine. It lasted and lasted and lasted until Wednesday morning I knew it was a beasty one. So I didn't fool around: I went to my midwife and asked her to prescribe me a 12-day tapering course of Prednisone, starting at 60mg the first day and decreasing 5mg a day until the last day of just one 5mg pill.

I started that morning (always good to start prednisone in the morning, especially if you're taking 60mg, so that there might be a chance to sleep that night!). After ten days, yes TEN days (!) of the taper, my headache finally went away.

I firmly believe, based on previous migraines, and in particular, previous unmedicated-with-prednisone migraines, that the beasty migraine I started after the miscarriage would have lasted months, bringing me into the cycle of migraines I started on that fateful day of July 21, 2007.

Instead, the migraine was controlled after ten days of the dose and I didn't have any further migraines.

Yes, I have had a few headaches this week, since my menstual cycle begins sometime soon. I usually get some shoulder/neck spasms around now, and headaches that go along with them; but nothing out of the ordinary.

I am grateful for Prednisone. Nothing else works for me. It is a beast to take (irritability, hunger, restless sleep at night) but it stops the cycle that my body gets into and gets me back to life quickly. May I not ever have to take Prednisone again; but if I have another Beasty (my nickname now for the long unrelenting days-and-days-on-end headpain, nausea, vertigo): give me Prednisone!

It's been a while...

My headaches have been a lesser part of my life these past few months. I've been in a predictable rhythm now, with one or two when I ovulate and two or three during my period. That is very doable. Would I like to have none? yes, of course. But does life have pain? yes, of course. I'm at peace with them, do not fear them, and don't think about them much anymore.

I'm off the B-2, Co-Q10 and Butterbur for over a month now. I did this because I want to become pregnant soon and my neurologist said I can't take them during that. Not much difference. I'm not sure if I'll ever use them again. I have a whole lot of them left if anybody wants to have them...

I'm thinking my body got back to normal by itself. Though the neck exercises, I believe, made the biggest difference. My husband thinks that the reason for my major start on these was my neck in the first place. I argue that it was my menstrual cycle being funny (I think I was anovulatory for several months and finally everything became normal with the cycle and it shocked my body). Maybe both?

I had been reading the seventh Harry Potter book from Saturday morning (Friday night, depending on how you look at it) at midnight through Saturday and finishing it Sunday morning. Well the next day, Monday, was when I had my first vertigo-migraine episode. But it was also the first day of my period. Neck in a bad position for two days (I'm a nerd to read that much, I know), with little sleep, and then finally a normal period...a recipe for disaster, I guess.

It's been almost two and a half years since the start of these migraines. I'm looking forward to becoming pregnant soon, and hope that I'll have a break from the headaches for a while. I had one migraine (with visual aura) in my first trimester with my first pregnancy. None after that and none with my second pregnancy. It wasn't until four years after that first pregnancy when this whole mess started. I wonder if the hormone change at post-partem will start the migraines up again. Though I know a woman who had horrible migraines for years and then when she had her two daughters, she never had them again.

There is just no way to know, no reason to worry, because nothing can be done to prevent in that scenario.

I'm just at ease knowing that I know several different things to do to cope with the pain, deal with the nausea and dizziness, and perhaps treat them...

Ovulatory Migraines

Again, warning: writing about the menstrual cycle and it's connection to my migraines.

So last month I had a few migraines when I ovulated, as usual.

Then, during my period, I had no migraines.

Now this week, while ovulating, I've had a few migraines. At first (and a little, still) I was disappointed about having a migraine at all. I got my hopes up that if I didn't have a migraine during my period, then perhaps I wouldn't have one when ovulating.

No such luck; but I take heart that it is cyclic and not without predictability. After all, one of the difficult things about migraines (besides the pain, vomiting, fatigue, etc.) is that they strike without warning, and with much interruption to life's demands. If my migraines are down to just the hormone changes at ovulation, and not during the period, I can plan for those somewhat.

I just wonder what it will be for me when we try for a baby. I won't be able to use any of the preventive supplements I am currently taking. I'm worried about this but I know that I can deal with them, it's just not easy.

As for when I am pregnant, I cannot use the abortive drug I use now, either. My neurologist said that the pain is then controlled with narcotics. I have small children, so narcotics are out of the question for me unless my husband is home. If I am fortunate enough to become pregnant I will just have to deal with these pesky (understatement!) migraines, day-to-day, the way I've been doing.

Another thing for me to keep in mind, is that perhaps my migraines will go away, or decrease significantly while pregnant because of the hormonal change. ...though it could go the other way and they could become worse. But I will hope for the best.

Well, THIS Is Very Strange...

Warning: I talk about menses (for any young-minded readers, who still think the body is gross).

My periods have become spaced out more. Five months ago it was 28 days, four months ago it was 26 (very short!), three months ago it was 32, then 38 and then this last one was probably about 42 days apart or so. The menses was normal, nothing strange other than the sporadic timing.

So what am I reporting?

This is the first period in two years that I've not had one migraine during the period!!

I should state for the record that a little over one year ago I was on the BCP to stop my period to stop my migraines. So I didn't have a migraine for that month, but the pill only worked a month or two until my hormones fought back stronger and the BCP didn't stop my period. But back to current events:

I'm on day five today; I should have had at least two big migraines by now. And nothing! What does this mean? I don't want to get my hopes up. But could this mean a two year hell is ending? My life will not revolve around my headaches? What will that be like? What did my life used to be like?

Time will tell.

Getting Better, I Think

My headaches are more mild and short lasting. I've even had a few head-pain free days, too, this past month.

I've noticed my head pain linked to neck strain quite a bit. I've been doing more neck exercises and this seems to relieve pain pretty quickly.

I've had a migraine this week for the past two days. Before I understood migraines, I wouldn't have called this a migraine. There was very little pain; no thumping and pounding, just occasional side of the head pain that only lasts a minute or two. This kind of thing happens every hour or two but goes away and doesn't get in the way of anything. Mostly I noticed a little dizziness two evenings ago and a little last night. The same funny feeling I get before I get vertigo. Also, both times, a few hours before I felt strange, I was very sleepy for a few minutes.

I'm going to start paying a little more attention to the sleepy thing. I'm not sure if this is a common symptom. I do know that I noticed ion days that I would get a migraine I would often feel this way, like all of a sudden I couldn't stay awake, earlier in the day. A sleepy spell. It only lasts a few minutes. My husband suggested that perhaps I should pay attention to that--go to bed early when that happens.

That's all I've got to report right now on my symptoms.

I think the butterbur twice a day increase, along with the other things might be helping since my headaches have decreased. I need to keep a calendar to be sure. Sometimes I overestimate my well days and it would be well for me to mark the symptoms I have, the severity of the pain, and any pre-migraine feelings I have.

Neck Exercises

Part of the plan prescribed by my neurologist is to decrease tension in my neck. He highly recommends the exercises in this book and states the effectiveness they have in many of his patients.

He prescribed this to me a year ago, but I haven't taken it too seriously until now.

I know, non-compliant patient.

I am trying them now, in addition to the total compliance of the Co-Q10, Vitamin B-2 and Butterbur.