mini headpain, auras and coping

It happened last night. I was getting the laundry ready for the machine and all of a sudden, pain on the right side of my head, about three inches wide. No warning.

The one thing auras have going for them is that they are fair warning. They're not always fun warning: who likes to be partially blind, partially numb, or having vertigo so severe it brings on vomiting? Those are the only auras I've ever experienced; I'm sure there are others.

All auras I've had are uncomfortable and even frightening, but auras give warning. They are concrete warning and a shout out for me to evaluate the day, determine if I should take the abortive drug, get that drug and take it as soon as possible. The reason for evaluating the day is because sometimes I have several headaches a week, but with only two allowed doses of the abortive drug a week. So if I don't have a commitment one day, and think I can deal with the pain okay, but I do have something critical the next day, and there is a chance of having another headache...well, I go with pain for that day. (This lifestyle has been much less frequent lately, but use to be the norm for well over a year.) But usually, the aura is not as bad as the headache, and if I take the drug right away, sometimes I can completely avoid any other pain. Sometimes I have to add other drugs to the mix to be comfortable. But the aura, for it's sometimes bum wrap, is not all that bad.

So last night I had one of those, what I call, "spot headaches." I still don't know if there's a name for it or not. But they come on without any warning, and leave just as quickly. They force me to stop and sit down. I've learned to close my eyes and take slow, deep breaths. I'm not as scared of them anymore. The breathing helps me to relax through it all. (Not that I am willing to try this for childbirth yet--I like those epidural blocks!) The gift I've been given is the ability to quickly relax, even though for a few seconds I panic a bit.

Fear is probably the feeling that trumps all other feelings when I have these headaches, be them "spot headaches" or full blown migraines.

Fear of not knowing how bad the pain is going to get.
Fear of not knowing how long this headache is going to last.
Fear of not knowing if I'm headed for a long cycle (weeks and weeks) of headaches, like before.
A tiny fear that these aren't migraines...though this is not as often: just when I'm being dramatic!

When I'm not having a headache, I often live in fear of getting one. Of being in public, or in the car driving, or at my daughter's school, and getting that hellish vertigo. In my mind, I've taken myself to those situations to deal with the anxiety. I logic myself through the hypothetical anxiety, realizing that people aren't going to judge me for getting sick. Everybody gets sick at one point or another. Though not pleasant to see somebody turn green, crawl on the floor or bump into walls, cling to those walls, or fall, sweat profusely and then hit the climax of the situation with vomit...well, it's not the end of the world. Vomit can be cleaned up, faces can be wiped dry, and as long as I have my purse, drugs can be administered. But still, it would be very humiliating. (I've only had that situation twice in front of people other than my family, and it wasn't the end of the world...just not ideal.)

So pushing past that fear... I just have to breathe. And try not to dwell in hypothetical situations. They aren't reality. At least, not yet. I'm so tired of fear. I'm working on pushing past that and trying to live not in the past, and not in fear of the future. Just to breathe and get through where I'm at, in the moment.

Another feeling I have is resentment. The "why me?" syndrome hits me, and if I don't watch it, it spirals into a small depression. I don't like to go there. I don't like others giving me pity just for the fact that it feeds into this "why me?" syndrome. It isn't a good place to go. There is no hope. I need hope. I need faith. So I pass over this thought quickly and deal with what I can do to help either change the situation (with drugs) or help buffer it (with quiet, calm, maybe even a movie if I can handle that). I also try to be analytical of my migraines through problem solving and communication. Not to say I don't cave, get overwhelmed, get emotional. I still do, I just try not to cater to this feeling.

And then there is the pain. How can I deal with the pain, get my job done, be nice to my husband and children and take care of myself at the same time? That is my biggest question. Often it is the "being nice" factor that goes out the door when pain steps in. I have a hard time being pleasant while in pain. I have this need to be cheerful, or at least courteous, and feel like a failure when I can't. And laying on the couch or in bed when life is happening around me...well I feel trapped. It's that control freak in me, screaming at the situation, screaming at myself for getting this headache in the first place. Yes, I know: ridiculous. I can't control getting a headache or not...but it doesn't stop me from wishing I could, or worse: thinking I can and that I should! Ha! Silly perfectionist.

And I know that it is silly expecting somebody in pain to be courteous. But truly, when the pain is common and gets to being chronic, one should try to learn to deal with the pain and be nice. It's just hard to do, is all. But attempts are appreciated, I'm sure, by my family, when I do try. And for me, this trying makes me feel human.

Headaches, Headaches, blah, blah, blah

This blog is kept partly for the reader, but mostly for my records; so I can remember and keep note of occurrences and maybe trends.



I've had a lot of headaches lately. A lot. Tension or migraine, whatever I call them, I'm having them a lot. Four days a week, about, for the past month. No auras. Well, some dizziness and nausea. But no vertigo and vomiting, and certainly no visual aura (those only happen a few times a year).



I haven't let my neurologist know this recent change. Mostly because the headaches aren't stopping me, and they don't all seem to be migraines. I finally broke down yesterday and took my migraine abortive drug, Migranal. It took the edge off for a while. I found myself taking three aspirin a few hours later and then, 30 minutes or so after that, found total relief. Mostly, I don't take anything for my headaches; I just get through them.



I don't mean to be tough or anything; it's not like I enjoy pain. (I'm all about epidurals for child birth, and am a big wimp if my back or even finger hurts.) It just seems, most of the time, that it isn't bad enough to stop what I am doing, take a pill, or the spray, and relax. There just isn't time for that, and besides, I like to save drugs for important occasions.



Yesterday I had a task that needed performing in the evening; people were counting on me, so I took the spray. I'm glad I did; though for the first time I noticed with using this spray, that it delayed my reactions, my verbal sharpness, my alertness. I don't remember it having that affect on me before. I took a short nap, ate dinner and then took off for the evening. I was able to cope very well, had some relief from the pain and my alertness slowly, but surely, regained. (And like I said already, I took some aspirin a while after that, then felt full relief.)



It seems that all year, until this month, I've been doing so well. Maybe this is the result of the change of season. It gives me some hope to think that way. Like life will go back to how it was a few months ago, or even better, a few years ago (but nothing in between, please!). I need to see things getting better. I'm okay with hiccups, because life is all about that. But I don't want to get stuck in a pot hole.

I do need to be more assertive with my neurologist and let him know this change. I just don't know that it will do any good. Doesn't hurt to try though, right?

tension headache?

My "tension headache" started this morning around 9:30. I felt like I was going to throw up. It hurt more on the left side. My stomach is upset still.

...sounds like these are migraines...but I can't tell.

There is A LOT of stress in my life right now. Things I cannot control. That usually upsets my stomach anyway (very good for weight loss...just kidding...sort of...)

Maybe just a tension headache.

Maybe a migraine brought on by stress.

I don't know what to treat this with. Alieve won't help. (sounds like a migraine!)

Perhaps I shall call in the guns (my neurologist and his nurse) to help with this problem. It's been going on since Sunday. I can tolerate the pain while having it. I can't, however, have much endurance or tolerance for a long term problem.

Just Plain Headache

I had a headache yesterday.

I'm 90% sure it was just a tension headache. I don't mean "just a.." to imply it wasn't just as painful--it was, if not more it seemed, more painful than some of my migraines. But I didn't have any additional symptoms and it was across my forehead and wrapped from ear to ear, like a headband, putting immense pressure in my eyes.

No light sensitivity (I don't ever get this anyway), no nausea, and though loud sounds hurt, running water or putting silverware away didn't bother me.

It's nice to know I can have a regular headache every once in a while.

Though I remember last year about this time, I took a migraine preventative treatment and it took these "non-migraine" headaches away. My neurologist's take on that was that the "non-migraine" headaches were probably migraines, as well.

I think it is interesting when people describe all of their worst headaches as migraines. On the flip, some people with mild headaches are actually having migraines and don't know there are better treatments than the naproxen, tylonel, or ibuprofen that may not be working for them.

I know that sometimes my migraines are mild, but because of the timing, the symptoms, the aura that precedes them, I know it's a migraine. I feel silly sometimes when I am having a migraine, but going about the day as normal, and somebody finds out that I'm having a migraine. They think I should be laying down in a dark room instead of doing errands, laundry, cooking dinner, being at the park. Like I'm some kind of martyr or something. I am definitely NOT a martyr! I'm an ultra sensitive, pain hating drama queen.

Lately my headaches (or migraines) last about four hours. That is a big change and a great relief, from how my headaches used to be. I would either have a two day migraine, or sometimes would have a few firing off every day for a week. Sometimes I would get a monster migraine that would only last half a day, but would leave me exhausted the next.

Whichever the head pain is called, however it is categorized, whatever the treatment is... headaches are a big disrupt to the flow of life. I feel like I'm better at them, though...like a professional migraineur. Yes! That is what I am! I've done plenty of study, asked my doctors numerous questions, and analyzed every little bit of my life before, during and after migraines. I'm an (almost) expert at how my body works and doesn't.

This self-absorption is tiring, but needed in figuring out how to function. Someday I hope I will not be thinking so much about migraines. Someday I hope I will have so little to do with migraines that this blog will be years old with nothing written. But as it is, I will push forward doing what I do. Following my doctor's orders, getting enough rest, drinking enough water, exercising and taking care of my stress.

The Ebb

As my cycle (sorry, boys) ends, I feel the end of the migraine.

I am grateful that there is an ebb.

It used to not matter what I did, it was always a migraine, always. I haven't had to use the prednisone taper for a few months now.

Now it is only cyclic. A few days before (or in this case, about four days) it starts and then during and then it goes. I don't use the prednisone taper on my period because I know it is just my period and that when that stops, so will my migraines.

In a few weeks I will most likely have a migraine, but only for a day or two. Then in a month, another week of headaches. Then an ebb.

I can take it when it's predictable. It's okay when I know about the pain, how long it will last and understand why I'm experiencing it all. More importantly I know what works for me to bring comfort and even function, and I know how to communicate all this to my husband and children.

So I probably (hopefully) will have nothing personal to post for a few weeks. Unless there is some current event that I need to write about.

Mini Migraine Me

Yesterday I felt like I was on the verge of throwing up for the majority of the day.

At first I thought it was that I hadn't eaten; so I ate. No change.

Then I drank a lot of water (so counter-intuitive when nauseated, right?) and though this didn't make my nausea worse, it didn't help.

I fully expected to have started my cycle, but I didn't. Which brought me to thoughts of pregnancy, though we're careful right now to not conceive until my health improves. So I wasted another test (my husband told me I could have just peed on a ten dollar bill, instead) to take that small anxiety away.

It was just a migraine. Just. The headache was not that bad. I didn't take anything. It was the nausea that bothered me the most. But no vertigo, so that is so very nice. (Do you see how positive I can be? It's better than the other option.)

Last night, when I got into bed, I had that horrible piercing pain at the front right corner of my skull. It was only two times, about five minutes apart and about one minute each time. That time frame is nothing, but during this experience I fear that it won't ever stop. Self talk gets me through it. Having experienced this type of pain before I know that it is acute. I breathe through it...like a contraction.

Funny how I used to compare all of my pain experiences to labor. I'm sure I will, in the future, compare my labor to migraines. Of course, not this tiny migraine I had last night (and am still having effects of this morning) since that was nothing. I compare my migraines to migraines. I've really only had a few that made me shake and shiver and cry and moan and hope to vomit to relieve some pressure. Thankfully, most of mine are not like that. They are strong enough to affect my day, thye aren't enough to stop me from doing what I need to do (translation: I'm on the couch but can still feed my three year old and pick up my daughter from the bus stop). Though I do admit to throwing small pity parties through them. I would invite you, but most of the time I like to go alone...and I'm just not very nice at those functions.

I hope (and assume) this is just my menses talking and I'm not slowly diving into the hell of headaches that I used to call normal. Positive thoughts....maybe some light yoga today...maybe a walk through the garden.

So here goes another day of tailoring my activities. It will be over in one week...I beg my hopes.

a tiny hiccup

Last night I was talking to my husband and mid-sentence was interrupted suddenly with subtle dizziness and nausea. It only lasted a few seconds and then went away, but was followed with a little bit of ringing in my ear and then a dull headache. (My migraines generally start with severe vertigo. I get the visual auras only a few times a year. Though sometimes I have no aura at all.)

It felt like the beginning of vertigo. I usually have a minute before I can't walk and I begin throwing up. It's nice because it helps me be prepared and have time to get to a toilet or at least get a bowl. Then after I calm down from throwing up and the vertigo subsides, I take my migranal spray. I wait an hour and if I still have a headache and nausea, I take three aspirin and my anti-nausea drug. Though sometimes (and this was when I would have an average of five migraines a week) I wouldn't take the spray and just risk it, saving the spray for a more important day of that week.

But that life was three months ago. And when I had that flash of vertigo and nausea last night it was so gloomy to me. I can handle the pain. It's not fun, but that was my life for a full year and a half and I have survived, and survived very well. It was the thought of having these three months off only to go back to that chronic life that revolved around my migraines...I just didn't want to go there.

I didn't take any drugs last night. It didn't bloom into full blown vertigo though my head started hurting a bit after. It was bedtime, anyway. I have never usually taken anything before bedtime for my migraines. I reserve those heavy abortive treatments for when I really need it: during the day with my children.

I'm tired today. So I took it easy today. I ran a few errands and did laundry, then took a nap with my three year old this afternoon. I know it's just my monthly cycle starting up in a few days or so, and I've decided to start taking alieve every twelve hours starting tonight. It's what my neurologist suggested once and I hope it will help as a buffer. We'll see.

I've found a migraineur's life is all about experimentation, moderation, and flexibility.